When I found out I had contracted the herpes virus, it was the first time I experienced real, tangible sexual shame. The embarrassment—it was overwhelming. I felt broken, damaged, and utterly unsexy. And I was really worried about how it affect my sex life.
I remember vividly, sitting across from my new-ish boyfriend at the time, at a chic restaurant in Paris just after being diagnosed. I had to tell him—I knew I had to—but the thought of sharing this part of myself with someone I really liked – someone I felt so attracted to and was trying my very best to be super attractive to him – made me want to crawl into a hole and disappear.
I had always subscribed to being the “cool girl” in front of men – sexy, calm, low maintenance, breezy. This was SO not part of that image I had so carefully curated and maintained.
I broke down. Right there in front of him. I remember the tears falling as I confessed, “I just want to sit in a cold bath, eat ice cream, and cry alone in big knickers in my apartment. I don’t want to see you until I’m in sexy lingerie mode again.” I felt so far removed from the woman I wanted to be. Having herpes was not part of the plan. It wasn’t in the script.
But what happened next changed everything.
Instead of reacting with disgust, he met me with something that was so incredibly healing: empathy and kindness. He wanted to be in the trenches with me, offering his support in a way that slowly melted away my shame. He wasn’t disgusted by me. He didn’t recoil from me. In fact, he made me realize that my vulnerability—my imperfections—didn’t make me any less desirable. If anything, it made me more real. It wasn’t about being perfect or “cool” or always “a vibe”. The truth was, exposing myself—warts and all (pun intended!)—made us closer, not just emotionally, but sexually. We were able to connect on a deeper, more authentic level.
We faced a bit of confusion about who had transmitted the herpes virus. It could have easily led to blame or arguments, but instead, we supported each other through it. As strange as it sounds, this experience didn’t kill our sexual spark—in fact, it strengthened our mutual trust, communication, and intimacy – only making our sex life together more deep. It was our first real challenge as a couple, and getting through it together made me love him even more.
It wasn’t just him, though. My close friends helped me through this time, too. I was fortunate enough to have a circle of friends who weren’t afraid to talk about sex and intimacy honestly. I had several friends who had also contracted the herpes virus (over 1 in 5 people have it!), and knowing that I wasn’t alone in this experience made all the difference. We could talk about it openly, share our feelings, and support one another through the difficult moments. That sense of community was crucial in helping me feel seen, heard, and loved. It was another powerful force against the sexual shame I felt.
In the immediate aftermath of my herpes diagnosis, I felt so unsexy. It was hard to see myself as anything but “damaged.” But instead of retreating, I decided to face my insecurities head on. I opened up. And for me, that was the key to undoing the stigma I had internalized. It was through these honest conversations that I reclaimed my sexuality, and, more importantly, I realized I was still good enough—herpes and all. I discovered that my flaws didn’t make me less worthy of love or intimacy. In fact, they deepened my connection with others, allowing me to experience true closeness.
Herpes didn’t steal my sexuality—it made me own it in a way I never had before. It taught me that vulnerability is powerful, and it brought me closer to my partner.
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If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in this article about ‘sex after herpes’, there are services that can help you. As a British blogger based in the UK, I have provided the NHS support page which can direct you to the correct service for your needs
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‘Sex After Herpes’ Illustration by Bee Illustrates // @beeillustrates
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Submissions for my ‘Sex After’ series are still open – please get in touch if you would like to share your story.
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